Sen Duff

MRes RCA (MRes)

Cliff-hanger. Our stories cannot end: In this world, we are created through our independent actions. One wrong move, we are stained with outward observations: a permanent marker on our character. I am dragging my head on the floor: sweeping motions detect my previous steps. I am passive in my journey; I cannot fully see others as they pass by. I feel as though I am the sole proprietor of misdeeds, my core sense of ‘being’ remains under question. Every part of the ground is marked with the voices and thoughts of those like me; they mirror my mind and become echoes of my path. “We are the same” they chant, “unlike each other, but tightly knit, the same”. “We have become you: your project. We are everywhere, we remain unseen for our virtues; forgiven for our sins.” “We are old, and we are young. We are woven in the air you breathe, sharing shards of dust. As though what we are is bitter dirt; placed under fingernails.” “We are born of the constellations that fracture inwards. You cannot simply be alone, even if all you have are four walls and a comforter. We cannot escape each other. So, here you are among us.” “You must raise your head and see us.”

Zoom into details. her eyes are open, watching you.

Episode 1. Hiding under one’s own covers: spending time under my covers, defeated and deflated. My body lost its water, my bones are pushing against my skin, I hid in my room in an attempt to recover from a hidden battle between the world and the autistic experience. I lost my 20s to my battle - any experiences I wanted to have were tied down by the internal self, which was a result of chronic rejection and social confusion. The only things that pulled me through were the music I loved and the art I created. My worth was tied down into the fewest of things, with attempts to redefine myself without the manual or catalogue that the rest of the world seems to have. My strength lies in my ability to hibernate, and become ‘taxidermic’. My inner world is richer than reality and it was fuelled by the arts I allowed myself to connect with.

Episode 2. The adornment of identity: Attempts to create a display that demands attention falls short once the interest is piqued. The image of identity, an allure that takes myself into the first stages of gathering friends, shatters and implodes once the authentic side shines through. A part of me feels absent, missing, without the curation of totality, I feel the weight of loss before obtaining something full. The steps are confusing, the social game reeks of mischief and traps. Yet I continue to wear this mask to cover the imperfections that inevitably barge through, it is tiring.

About

I am an Autistic illustrative researcher, exploring the theme of Autistic loneliness in anticipation of my Doctorate applications. My goal is to explore new and emerging therapy techniques for Autistic people based on communication roles between neurotypes. My current project, ‘The Discord of Being’ explored participant lived experience through letter-writing. I am developing chimeric writing and imagined conversations as discussion and analysis in my thesis, which takes all participant feedback and turns it into a singular ‘entity’. Through conversing with the entity, illustrations emerge that identify the roles of researcher and participant. Each piece resembles a chimera in a solitary state: one of the letter, the respondent, and the project. The participant feedback presents itself on the illustration that decorates the overall project; using cartography to allow viewers the ability to explore the work themselves – quotes, reflections, and phrases will mark each landmark on the map. This serves as the intermediary between audience and researcher. Whilst the project is primarily thesis only, there are illustrative reflections scattered throughout the project; some with little to no obvious affiliation, and others with direct implication of involvement.

My work has only just begun as someone with limited life opportunities. I have struggled with isolation as a result of my Autism during my 20s, my emergence into the academic and artistic field has been slow. I do not intend to work any faster, but i wish to take advantage of opportunities that may allow me to work more on the research i am passionate about. I also find it important to continue to engage in research through art practice, as i have found illustrative journalism to be quite beneficial.

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